The Beast
by sofiesticated
Summary: Lucy is struggling with depression. A reoccurring beast who makes everything hell. Natsu wants to help. [one-shot because i feel bad] [NaLu] trigger warning / self-harm


**This is a really short and probably bad one-shot because I feel really depressed today. Can be read as romance or friendship idc**

 **I think I read this through 0.75 times lol**

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It was one of those days. One of those days where all she could do was close her eyes until the beast in her head would calm down. Go to sleep. Maybe even disappear for a while? She knew it would be wishful thinking, but she wished the beast would disappear for a day or two. Just enough for her to get out of bed, clean up the house, and get some food. That usually didn't happen when the beast was awake.

Lucy could only describe the feeling as being dipped into acid. Metaphorically, of course, yet sometimes the mental pain overwhelmed her so much that she could _almost_ feel it physically. It would even get to the point where she could barely breathe.

And why was she like this? No particular reason. That was a the frustrating part about depression. It possesses people even though nothing is wrong with them. It's hell.

Under her pink comforter, Lucy had hidden, curled up in fetal position with her eyes shut closed. Her eyes stung from all the tears she had shed.

It was in the middle of the afternoon, and she hadn't had the energy to get out of bed - for the second day in a row. The only time she had gotten up was when she needed to pee, and even then it had been a battle between lying in her own filth or dragging her drained body of bed.

She reeked and she knew it. It had crossed her mind a few times that she needed to get the fuck up and clean herself, but she couldn't be bothered. The comfort of her own bed, where her mind would continue to yell at her, was too familiar to leave.

Besides, in the bathroom, sharp object were all around her. She couldn't risk it. Again.

Her thighs stung from where she had sliced her skin last. It had been last night, after she convinced herself to go pee. As she had been washing her hands, she looked herself in the mirror and immediately started sobbing. No reason. Just depression. As if it was her life source, she reached for her razors and hurt herself. Relieved herself. Found comfort as all her inner demons left her body through the wounds.

Her self-harm wasn't to mimic of what she felt on the inside. No, it was to release the demons that were clawing against her skin, begging her to let them out. Promising numbness. Promising relief. For the time being.

Today she felt ashamed. Ashamed of the promise she had broken. Ashamed of her actions.

" _Ya need to promise me, that you're at least gonna_ _ **try**_ _to stop," Natsu urged, holding the shaking blonde in his arms._

" _Sure, I'll try," Lucy mumbled as she felt herself fall asleep in her best friend's arms._

That had been two months ago. Two months of a constant inner battle between hurting inside or hurting outside. The outside pain always seemed more tempting as it was in her _own_ control. The mental pain always, always, always came as the beast pleased.

She called her depression the beast because that was simply what it was. A beast awakening when it pleased. Haunting her mind as it pleased. Making her want to die as it pleased. Stopping when it pleased. Continuing as it pleased. _Controlling_ her as it pleased.

Natsu and Happy had multiply times threatened to beat the beast up, in which Lucy had just laughed and thanked them. But the beast was strong. Stronger than Natsu. Stronger than her.

It always won.

Suddenly a knock on her open window threw her out of her thoughts. She had her window open to let out the depression smell. Usually that was dust, sweat, and food she hadn't even touched.

Peeking out from her covers, she was met by her pink-haired friend, Natsu, squatting down on the windowsill. His face was contracted in worry as he crawled over her bed to kneel by the bedside.

She knew he was staring at her emotionless face, but she couldn't even muster to move her eyes to meet his gaze.

"It's bad again, huh?" he murmured, placing his warm hand against her dirty hair. He had been with her _many_ times when _it_ got bad. It usually lasted for a few days before she could even consider getting out of bed.

"Mhh," she hummed, confirming his statement as she closed her brown eyes while he caressed her hair. That was until his hand came to a halt. She heard him take a quick whiff, where she opened her eyes to see him frowning slightly.

"I thought you stopped," he almost whispered. He had smelled her dried blood on her already scarred thighs. Yesterday, all she had done was put a bandage around her thigh and walked right back into bed. She hadn't cleaned it. She hadn't disinfected it. She just wanted to sleep.

"I did," she whispered, feeling tears well up in her eyes. "I did, but then I slipped."

His face was unreadable. She couldn't tell whether he was mad at her, disappointed in her, or just concerned. All three perhaps.

After what seemed like an eternity - but most likely just a few minutes - he sighed, kissing her forehead.

"Scoot over," he gently said, lifting her covers. Obeying, she lifted her tired body towards the wall, opening her arms towards him. Settling himself down beside her, he pulled her close to him, placing his chin on her head.

She buried her face in his chest, stealing his warmth.

"I wish I could help ya more," he muttered into her hair. "I wish I could take your pain onto myself."

Almost (just almost) laughing, she said, "I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy."

"But I would if I could."

She knew he would. It didn't matter whether she withering in pain or crying over a broken plate, he would do anything to make her feel better. That was just the way he was.

"I don't doubt it," she sighed, placing her ear against his chest to hear his heartbeat. She couldn't count the nights where that was the only way she could sleep.

As many other days, he would hum a lullaby for her. It wasn't even night, but he knew that she needed all the sleep she could get. Despite always being in her bed, the beast never let her sleep. Only Natsu's heartbeat and presence was enough to calm it.

For the time being.

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 **So, some of you (or all of you) might not know this, but I suffer from severe depression and really bad self-harm problems. I'm tired of reading FT fanfics where it's all like " _X character gets back from X place and now Lucy is depressed WOWOWOWO_ " because it usually doesn't even remotely represent depression. Depression is not a mood. It's a disorder that I have to live with. I have been living like this for 3 years now. It took my love for writing away, but I'm slowly taking it back. **

**The Beast can't win.**

 **/Sofie**

 **Stay safe, lovely readers!**


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